This is a police report that Kyle brought home last night that I thought would be worth sharing..... The main characters will be called Raggie (short for her nickname Raggie Ragina -which rhymes with vagina) and Rachael which we will use in place of Raquel (not very clever I know). Enjoy!
"An officer was stopped on the street in the parking lot at Slappy's Bar and Grille. I spoke with the victim Raggie who was visibly upset. She was breathing hard and her face appeared to have a pinkish hue. Her red boston red sox baseball shirt was torn, exposing her right breast to me. I could see a set of hands that appeared to be praying tatooed above her exposed right breast. Raggie said she was inside of Slappy's when a female she knows as Rachael became upset with her because she was wearing a red sox t-shirt and yelling "sox" while watching the red sox and yankees baseball game. Raggie said Rachael was wearing a blue chicago cubs t-shirt and yelled at her, "the red sox are chowder heads". Raggie said Rachael next walked right up to her and grabbed Raggie's tshirt and ripping in a downward motion with her hand near the neckline of the shirt. Rachael's actions caused the shirt to rip, exposing Raggie's right breast. Raggie said Rachael also happened to grasp Raggie's right nipple area while tearing the t-shirt. Raggie said Rachael's actions caused pain, swelling, redness and discomfort to her right breast, specifically her nipple area. Raggie then hoisted her right breast upward and toward my face to show me the redness and swelling on her nipple area. I leaned forward to better observe the injuries and ask her if she needed medical attention. She said no, she just needed some ice to rub on her sore, swollen nipple. I spoke with Rachael who said Raggie who she knows as "raggie ragina" started the ruckus by saying the cubs are going to choke like a rookie porn actress. Rachael said this upset her because she is a porn actress. Miz Rachael claimed to be no rookie and said she never chokes. Rachael said that she did reach out and tug on Raggie's ugly red sox t-shirt but didn't intend for the shirt to rip and expose Raggie's right breast with praying hands above it. Rachael said she isn't sure if she grabbed Raggie's right nipple, but guesses she must have because she observed the swelling and redness of the nipple. Rachael said Raggie retaliated by grabbing the blue cubs shirt she was wearing and yanked down it, causing both of Rachael's breasts to "pop out". This display caused the men and a few women inside Slappy's to hoot and cheer loudly. Rachael said Raggie also happened to catch a 1/2 carat $1,000 Chicago Cubs, Tiffany's brand belly button ring in her hand when she yanked down on the cubs shirt. The belly button ring popped out, fell to the ground and was smashed into a thousand pieces. Rachael said that the cubs belly button ring is a staple in her "adult films" and it won't please her fans when it is missing in her next 10-20 adult films. Rachael said Raggie's actions caused pain, redness and discomfort to her belly button. Rachael walked toward me and lifted her shirt up to show me her red belly button. I bent down to view it up close and did see the redness in the belly button area. She declined medical attention. She only wanted some ice to rub on her belly button. I spoke with Mr. Slappy who said he is the proud owner of Slappy's bar and grille. He said he was present and saw the entire ruckus inside the bar. Slappy said red sox and cubs fans often come to the bar to watch baseball, drink adult beverages and try to round the bases, if I knew what he meant. I said I didn't. Slappy continued, saying the baseball fans often verbally joust with each other. He said the red sox fans are more rude since they've won two recent world series titles. Slappy said Raggie's t-shirt has been ripped off before after she lips off to baseball fans inside the bar. He said it's a wonder she hasn't learned to wear a bra. Slappy said Rachael is also a regular and often brags about being a porn star. He said that cubs belly button ring is a staple of all her porn films. Slappy winked at me and lightly slapped my right arm while grinning. He said both ladies were at fault and should "just kiss and make up". Slappy then vomited on my black police dept. boots and passed out in a chair. I told both ladies I would talk to the detective assigned to the report. I told Rachael I'd need at least 3 of her adult films to prove to the detective and the prosecutor's office her claim of the cubs belly button ring being a staple of her films. That will help in any civil claim for restitution to replace the belly button ring. Rachael agreed and said that she'd drop a large box of signed copies off to our rollcall."
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