Turning 30

I have been having a bit of a rough time with the idea of turning 30 - which is now only 5 days away. I'm having a hard time even admitting that! Ha! Anyway, I've tried to spend some time reflecting on why the idea of turning 30 has been so difficult. I found the answer(s) were ones that I didn't really like and I don't really like how much those answers make me feel at times. For as long as I can remember one of my biggest dreams for my life was to be a Mommy. I grew up around kids, I babysat all the time and I loved every bit of it. Even on the rough days I learned something from them. Adria has been one of the greatest gifts in my life. I am very lucky to be her aunt and be able to see her every week and be a part of her life. She is the daughter of my brother and best friend and I cannot even begin to explain how special that is. Or how special it is that in 34 days they're having another baby and I get to be an aunt again!! I don't quite understand how I can love another baby like I love Adria but I'm told it will all fall in to place. Anyway, my point being...Kyle and I have been married for 6 years and we aren't any closer to having children than we were 6 years ago. About a year in to our marriage we were trying to start a family, but as luck would have it I have fertility issues. We tried for about 6 or 7 months and it was stressful and hard with all of the doctor appointments, drugs, tests, etc... It just turned out to not be the right time since Kyle got a job in Indy and I stayed in Rochester for another 6 months. Since then I can say with all sincerity that Kyle and I just aren't there. I never in my life dreamed that I would be turning 30 and not have started a family. I'm truly ok with not having kids because I know in my heart that it's not right yet. I hope with all my being that there is a right time. With turning 30 I feel like it's time to reassess where I am in life. Am I happy with my career? Could I be doing more? Should I be doing more? I'm not sure about the answer to that but I do know that I am thankful to have the opportunity to live another year. I could have easily died in the car wreck 2 years ago in July. Easily. I said then that I'm thankful God is doesn't done with me yet and that I still have a purpose to serve. With that in mind I'm going to try to look forward to turning 30 this upcoming week. It means one more year that I have to cherish my family, my friends, my coworkers, my puppies (when they're not eating roadkill) and my husband. One more year to live life to the fullest. One more year to continue to find myself and the road I'm supposed to follow. Alright 30 - let's do this! :)

I'm back!

A year later...

My neck is sooo much better! In the fall I had two permanent nerve blocks done which means they killed 10 nerves in my neck. It was an absolutely awful experience and I'm not sure you could convince me to ever let anyone do it to me again. Since I'm young the likelihood of those nerves growing back is oh 100% so hopefully they grow back nicely and don't cause pain when they're full functional again. I still have my days and my neck feels so weird where they did the procedure because I only have partial feeling back. I'm feeling brave enough to get my first massage since the wreck next week and I'm so super excited about it! More later!

Come on, man!

It might not come as a shock to anyone but I'm a big football fan and the title for this blog comes from my favorite Sunday pre-game show. Every week they do a segment they call "Come on, man" where they each talk about their favorite idiot move of the week either by a team, a play or a player. They show a clip and then say their piece and end it with "come on, man." It's always entertaining! So now that we've cleared that up. I just want to give a big fat COME ON, MAN to my body!
A little over a month ago I was doing GREAT! I was ready to be done with physical therapy and seeing the pain management doctor and just move on. Then Melissa, Adria and I went up to Rochester to spend a weekend with my mom and had a blast!! Until Tuesday that is. Melissa, Mom and I all ended up at our different doctors within a few hours of each other. I was first and lo and behold the excruciating pain in my throat, neck and head turned out to be strep throat. A week later I still didn't feel better and the headaches from the strep hadn't really gone away. The physical therapist started questioning whether the headaches were from the strep or if the first facet joint block was starting to wear off (miraculously it was exactly 3 months from the injection.) Blah blah blah it took near a month for me to fully recover and start feeling better - mind you that was even after 2 rounds of antibiotics. Headaches still there and neck pain getting more intense. THEN...THEN... last weekend I noticed my jaw was feeling kinda funny in a bad way. Like it was getting tight and opening my mouth wide or chewing much was a bit uncomfortable. By Monday I couldn't chew even if I wanted to the pain was so excruciating. I could hardly talk for more than 5 minutes or so without it going crazy. Didn't get better and thankfully I had an appointment with the pain guy Wednesday as well as my PT. What I learned is that it's VERY common for people (especially women) that have whiplash caused by an auto accident to have delayed TMJ (temporomandibular joint) pain or dysfunction. So this all goes back to the wreck again. Now they want me to see a TMJ specialist - keep in mind I'm the one who has already had her jaw broke and reset so having jaw joint pain is quite frankly freaking me out. AND because the headaches are back and are coming frequently again they want to do another facet joint block. Really at this point I don't care what they do and truly I couldn't care less about my head or neck I just want my jaw to quit hurting. I told my mom that I will take the headaches and the neck pain but I cannot live with the jaw pain again. She promptly told me that yes I could, and I would if I had to and would get through it. Now that that's settled! Anyway, I still can't chew or talk very much and it's very uncomfortable and annoying. Hopefully I can get in to see this fabulous TMJ specialist that everyone has brought up and hopefully she knows just what to do. Actually I pray that she knows what to do.
So to my jaw, my neck and my head - COME ON, MAN!!
P.S. I promise to update more!

Blood Bath

So I went in for my 2nd nerve block procedure today. A few weeks ago I had an occipital nerve block done on both sides of my head. Very simple procedure, sit down in the chair, Dr sat behind me sting here sting there and that's all folks. Except that I was inches from passing out. They had to help me walk to the table to lie down while the nurse went and got me some apple juice and cookies. Aren't I special? As it turns out I'm one of the lucky ones that has reactions to nerve blocks. Quite frankly after having a needle that size shoved up to your skull (literally) I have to wonder how a person doesn't have a reaction - but whatever. Because of my reaction to the easy one the 2nd one had to be done at the hospital with some sedation. And because the first one didn't really stop the daily headaches off to round 2 I went. Four facet joints were the target of today's nerve blocks - these little joints are part of the spine! Backing up, there has always been some pain around these joints when Dr. Ratzman pokes and prods and he said from the beginning that they could be part of the problem. So there we were at the hospital at the unholy hour of 7:30am on the day that Eli Lilly had 70 closed for beautification so traffic was FUN! Anyway the fabulous nurse comes to get me, makes my day by reading my weight in kg instead of pounds and on to the sedation part we go. So I'm answering the 500 questions that I swear to you I had already answered on the questionnaire that they gave me when I got there. Seriously, every single one of them. Not like I would have changed my answers between the waiting room and the procedure room. Whatever. So while I'm answering questions the other nurse is getting the IV ready so we can get on with this procedure. She gets it in my arm and all is seemingly well in the world, right? Wrong. She then grabs the tube leading to the saline solution that goes through my veins until we're ready for the big drugs and as she attaches it to my IV she goes oh well that's weird I think there's a leak. I turn to look at my arm and her and wouldn't you know it blood is dripping down both of our arms and then it just starts squirting out from the hole in the tube. My blood + saline solution + hole in IV tube = blood bath! They were like I've never seen this before - well of course you havent' because we've not met before. :)
I feel like there should probably be a warning label that comes with me! But maybe it could be really vague so as not to scare people something along the lines of expect the unexpected!

57 and counting

I have to tell you I'm a little bit over this headache. I started noticing it shortly after the accident and my doctor said it was from whiplash and just gave me a stronger muscle relaxer. The muscle relaxer just knocked me out for days so of course my head didn't hurt but it didn't really help with being able to work and function like a normal person. So I went back to the doctor for a different kind of muscle relaxer that helped some but didn't totally wipe me out. She also prescribed physical therapy - which I have been going to for 5 weeks now. However, the headaches are just getting worse... A few weeks ago I woke up in the middle of the night wondering how my head hadn't exploded. I've had migraines before but it's a different kind of headache and pain. It starts at the base of my skull and goes up around my ears and behind my eyes and then just spreads everywhere. 2 weeks ago on Friday I went back to my doctor because I was pretty sure that my headaches were going to be the death of me if someone didn't make them stop. So she suggested that I go and see a headache specialist (did you know there were such things?) to get some trigger point injections. Part of the problem (I'm told) is because the muscles in my neck just will not relax - which is apparently common after a whiplash injury. Miraculously the headache guy was able to see me on Monday and he feels that the headaches are being caused not by the muscles, but by a nerve. I had to ask him why everyone keeps talking about my muscles being too tight if it's nerve related. Well apparently it's all one vicious cycle. Something is up with the nerve - it's inflamed or pinched or something and so the muscles all around the nerve stay tight in order to protect the nerve. The problem is the worst on the left side so he showed me all kinds of pictures of the nerves and muscles and what they're doing - it was a bit over my head, I'm not going to lie. Anyway. So the headache doctor sent me on to a "pain specialist" who will do 2 injections into my nerves. Awesome! Now the only thing standing between me and being pain free is the insurance company. Don't even get me started on them. Because I was working when I got hit everything has to go through my workman's comp insurance carrier and they have been less than stellar. The pain doctor won't schedule anything until I can get some questions answered by the insurance people - can't really do that when they don't answer their phone or return phone calls. I am ready to drive to Schaumburg, IL to start smacking some people around until they have a headache. FIFTY SEVEN DAYS with a headache is enough! I can't concentrate on anything. I will choose sleep over ANYTHING else you might offer me. I forget the most mundane things - including my phone number, my doctor's name, etc... The headache guy said that is normal so I will try to stop thinking I have Alzheimer's.

Die Another Day

That is the only title that would come to mind. I tried to think of something less dramatic but no luck. Two weeks ago July 2nd at 3:57pm I was driving on 91st St after leaving the office to go drop off a few applications at the Medicaid office. When I went through the intersection at 91st and College a man heading North on College ran a red light and I hit him - both of us going full speed. By that I mean it was not a case of him just trying to get through a yellow light and me just starting through the intersection. My light was never red, no one had stopped so I was going about 30mph and they think he was going even faster than that. I "t-boned" him on his driver side so I hit him straight on - as you can see from my car it was smashed all the way across.
Unfortunately I don't remember very much other than the actual impact which I definitely remember quite well. I THINK right after the impact I came to but I was more in the passenger side than the driver side and I knew my forehead was bleeding. A man came to the car to ask if I was ok and I wasn't really sure I could still talk much less believe that I was still alive. I think I shook my head at him and asked if I did something wrong. He told me that I didn't do anything wrong and that the other guy ran a red light. He also informed me that the guy took off running but reassured me that some other witnesses took off running after him (like I cared at that point). The EMTs arrived quickly and since my head and neck hurt pretty bad they put a brace on my neck and slid me onto a back board and into the ambulance I went. I remember feeling relieved when the fire truck got there and the firemen jumped out - firemen have been a part of my life since I was in middle school and I guess I just felt safer knowing they were there. I have absolutely no concept of time so I don't know how long I was in the ambulance before we went to the hospital but it seemed like forever and it was hot. One of the EMTs stayed with me the entire time and I don't remember his name or even what he looked like but I do know that I would not have stayed as calm as I did without him. He was constantly asking me if I was ok and telling me that I was going to be ok and nothing was major in comparison to what it could be. I think more than anything I was just scared. I had never been in an accident, been for a ride as the patient in an ambulance or in the ER. AND I couldn't talk to anyone that I knew to tell me that it would be ok. They radioed Kyle at metro and I knew he would be calling my family but I really needed someone or something familiar and I had no idea when that was going to be happening. So until then the EMT guy was my best friend. One of the things the EMT pointed out before they took me out of the car was that I had a big lump on my left leg and asked if it hurt. I couldn't feel it so whatever. When we got to the ER the first thing they wanted to do was x-ray that leg followed by a cat scan of the head. Both turned out fine. When the wheeled me back into my room after the x-ray my brother was sitting in the corner and I had no clue he was there. Needless to say he scared the crap out of me and I did not appreciate him ruining the good cry that I was sure would be happening when someone I knew finally got there. Kyle showed up shortly after that followed by my mom. What a night! We had to rush to Target to get my meds where they just stared at me and asked if I was ok. There has definitely been a lot of staring the last few weeks and I am so glad for the bruises on my face to finally be gone! My face bruised up wonderfully and led to 2 black eyes and lots of wonderful colors. Who needs makeup when you can have that naturally? My grandma even told me I looked like a raccoon...who doesn't want to hear that?
Anyway, my mom came down and stayed for the weekend which was a huge help because the soreness and stiffness I felt Friday night was nothing compared to how much I hurt Saturday and Sunday. I am healing slowly but surely. My head/neck has continued to hurt in the form of a headache for well over a week now. The doctors told me last week that it is because of whiplash so tomorrow I start physical therapy to help loosen up the muscles in my neck and shoulders in hopes of relieving the headache. The contusions on my left leg is what is going to be the long-term problem. I have seen 2 different doctors now and both have let me know that it will take 3-12 months to heal. The muscles and tissues underneath the skin have hardened and the lump where I hit Lord knows what on my left leg is about the size of my knee so I just look like I have 2 knees. It's rather awesome and really just painful. The swelling is probably the worst because it makes my knee so tight and it's really uncomfortable to bend and/or straighten my leg out. Just depends on the day. But I am fortunate to still be here able to tell you all about my accident so who am I to really complain much? It could have been so much worse and I thank God everyday that I am still here with my friends and family with only minor bumps and bruises. My accident was classified as a hit and run. The guy driving the silver SUV continued driving after I hit him - through the grass and into a church parking lot where he hit another car and then got out and took off running on foot. He had no license and no insurance and was not the actual owner of the car. The owner called 911 later that night and reported his vehicle stolen. The police already knew before going out to take his report that his vehicle was involved in a hit and run and when they confronted him he admitted that it was not stolen and he had let a friend borrow it. However, he does not have a license or insurance either. Go figure. Anyway, there is more for me to do here in this life and I will gladly pursue it... Thank you all for your continued encouragement and prayers - they mean so much to me!

Pictures!

Here are some pictures from the last few months! Hope you enjoy!!


Scary!

Kyle & I enjoying the sunrise on Anna Maria Island

Funniest night of our family spring break trip!

She loves me!

6 months old and getting quite close to crawling!

Stunna shades